Phillip Fathom's poem from The Complete “Christmas on Mars” show from December 8, 2012. See the episode page for full cast listing and production information.
Twas the night before Christmas
and all through the City
crime took no holiday
and I showed no pity.
The Deep Sea Detective came from the ocean
and he, like the sea, is devoid of emotion.
A mission of justice more than of peace,
for he, like the sea, will not ever cease.
The muggers were crouched, crazed and cruel in dark canyons
to pounce on any unlucky companions.
Who in strong tides might have been swept astray
But tonight all those predators will find they're the prey.
And what of those colorful villains whose malice
is boundless? I've found it's... well not to sound callous.
My parents were murdered two decades ago
and I don't have friends, I only have foes.
So what joy still remains to be found in my heart
comes when I take all those villains apart.
King Mammal and Numbler and even Die-brarian
are foiled by me, their deft disciplinarian.
Leave capes in a closet and helmets on shelves
take care of your families and take care of yourselves.
You've got the night off you heroes in tights
My gift is I'll fight every one of your fights.
The trap it was laid by we villains with care.
The hero, a zero, we'd surely ensnare
And make him wish he had not strayed from his lair.
That finny old ninny had nary a prayer.
For I'm Thomas Foolery. No wait, call me Tom
I'll steal your jewelry, or kidnap your mom.
Or shake up the city by exploding the pigeons,
Or amping up tensions between the religions
By causing collisions amidst circumcisions
Which upsets all the parents as much as the chid'rens
You'll notice I tend to work all alone
But this Christmas Eve-Eve I picked up the phone
I called up some villains as nasty as me
And hatched a badoozy, a plan that will be
The end of the road for the Sherlock of oceans
For as we concocted our sinister notions
We landed on that which will certainly kill
The undersea hero who smells badly of krill
Tom Foolery called us
He called us!
We near flipped
We near flipped our lids!
Together we planned up the wickedest plan
To really lay waste to the man
The man that thwarts all our nastiest schemes
This killjoy, he spoils all our beastliest dreams
So tonight we shall savor his screamiest screams
See, I called ten friends
So did I
Hey me too
We all said
"For Christmas, hey here's what's let's do"
Our purpose is grim
Let's work as a team
All of us versus him
There was more to it than that, of course, but who cares?
It started with just a couple of flares
A traffic incursion that was a diversion
That ended with Fathom's most utter inversion
Then yessy yes yes, from hunter to hunted
Before he knew we knew it, we got what we wanted
Oh man it was priceless
And then we popped him into our most deadly devices
The nastiest death traps we have in our trade
And rotating blades
With no coat full of tricks, and dried out real good
As if old Saint Nick was just one more hood
Who gave us a present that we all unwrapped
Tom and VillainsEdit
The Deep Sea Detective was finally trapped
Oh but to see him gasp his last breath.
Oh but to see him broken then... deathed.
Fathom's run out of time and he's run out of clever
It's truly the best, for me, holiday ever.
They got me, they shot me, they put me through hell
Doesn't take a detective to know that's the bell.
I knew when I took on this life fighting crime
The odds were uneven, twas a matter of time.
I've got no regrets, no goodbyes left unsaid
Noone will miss me when I am dead.
Not with whimper nor bang, it only just ends
When all of a sudden I learn I have friends.
The heroes came in like a rainbow of fists
Reminding the villains that true pain exists.
"Hey Phil, thanks for saving some punching for us"
Mr. Right says as he hits with the force of a bus.
But seeing the beatings handed out by the others
I learned I had family, sisters and brothers.
They gave me the strength to once again join the fight
Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!