Hell is the Loneliest Number is an episode of Beyond Belief and the first podcasted episode of the Thrilling Adventure Hour.
- Frank Doyle - Paul F. Tompkins
- Sadie Doyle - Paget Brewster
- Carter Caldwell - John Ennis
- Bobo Brubaker - Craig Cackowski
- Taxi Driver - Dave (Gruber) Allen
- Spooky Hal (Narrator) - Hal Lublin
Frank and Sadie quiet night in is interrupted by Carter Caldwell, a "confirmed bachelor". He had previously tried to call them, only to find that they had left their phone off the hook. At first the Doyles think that it's Carter that needs their help, but he actually needs help performing an exorcism on his most stalwart acquaintance, Delance.
The Doyles accompany Carter back to his mansion where they meet Father Timothy, a preacher who claims to have been brought there to help by God. Since this means they can drink instead of performing an exorcism, the Doyles are more than happy to let Father Timothy take over.
Inside, Carter shows the Doyles and Father Timothy to Delance. Father Timothy agrees that the situation is very dire, but is unable to properly complete the exorcism due to "earthly concerns". The Doyles become suspicious when Father Timothy claims that these earthly concerns will only be lifted from his mind if his abby is given vast sums of money, but Carter, desperate for his beloved Delance to be freed of a demon, will pay any price.
When Carter leaves the room to get the Doyles more liquor, they question Father Timothy and Delance on the possession. Delance, sensing that they don't believe his possession, asks them to not reveal him, and Sadie recognises Delance as Bobo Brubaker, one of her ex boyfriends. They tell him they will not be silent about the con he's running on Carter.
Carter returns with the Doyles' liquor and the Doyles tell him that they have exorcised Delance. Bobo insists that he is still possessed and can only be exorcised by a well paid priest. Seeing that Bobo will try to continue on with his con if he isn't stopped, the Doyles tell Carter about Bobo's true identity and purpose. Carter doesn't want to believe that this is the case, but upon saying Delance's full name aloud ("Delance Facade") he realises that he has been deceived.
Carter is distraught that Bobo could deceive him in such a way, when he thought the feelings between them were real. Bobo assures him that although his relationship with Carter started out as a con, he now has real feelings for Carter. Carter relents, saying that he will give Bobo whatever money he needs.
Before Carter can give Bobo the money, the Doyles asks Bobo to tell them Carter's name. Bobo, after a lengthy pause, gives the wrong name, and Carter kicks both him and Father Timothy out of the house. Carter bemoans is lack of luck in love, and the Doyles suggest drinking, before they head back to their apartment.
- Carter: Dreadfully sorry, I’ll just leave you alone.
- Frank: See that you do, and take that bottle of expensive single malt scotch with you.
- Sadie: Frank! Listen to the content of your admonition.
- Frank: ‘take that bottle of expensive single malt’ … Hey wait a moment! Don’t give up that easily old man! Come in, have a drink with us!
- Sadie: Frank you’ve confused your text and your subtext again. Has that ever happened to you Caldwell?
- Carter: I’m not certain I take your meaning.
- Sadie: I’m not certain you’re not certain. Wink!
- Frank: And how much would that cost?
- Father Timothy: Oh money, so much money.
- Carter: Why that is roughly the amount of money I have!
- Frank: Sure it is, Mark.
- Carter: My name’s not Mark.
- Frank: And yet.
- Sadie: Have you ever exorcised anyone before?
- Father Timothy: Oh, nigh constantly, I am a tool of the Lord.
- Frank: Well, you’re half right.
- Sadie: We’ll have that pesky “demon” out of your “friend” in no time.
- Father Timothy: ...and in His wisdom, He guided me to this place.
- Frank: Uh, just a moment. God made you forgo your breakfast in order to get you here lickedy-split...and then made you wait outside?
- Father Timothy: And lo! this door was lock'd.
- Frank: But assuming you've been here longer than two minutes...you coulda had your toast.
- Clink count: 5
- Unofficial Transcript by Maddie
- This is the first podcasted episode of the Thrilling Adventure Hour podcast.
- The next episode is Sparks Nevada, Marshal on Mars - Inside Out In Outer Space.
- Thus is the first episode of Beyond Belief. The next Beyond Belief episode is Wishing Hell (TAH #5).
Recorded at on August 7, 2010 at Largo at the Coronet in Los Angeles, California. It was released on January 9, 2011.