The Bloodsucker Proxy is an episode of Beyond Belief.
- Frank Doyle - Paul F. Tompkins
- Sadie Doyle - Paget Brewster
- Spooky Hal (Narrator) - Hal Lublin
- Invisible Men
- Arturis Severvein, Nosferatu
- Variant A - Craig Cackowski
- The Old One
- Variant A - John Ennis
- Donna Henderson
- Arturis Severvein, Nosferatu
- Johnny Vampire, Nosferatu
- Invisible Men
- Gypsies - Paul Sabourin, Greg DiCostanzo, Wyatt Cenac
- Evangelical Satanists - Adam Busch, Jamie Hector, Dan Bern
- Cistala the Succubus
- Phil, a Changeling
- Michelle Henderson
- The Old One
- Original Variant - Dick Cavett
Frank and Sadie are spending an evening at Donna Henderson's, when they are interrupted by Arturis Severvein and Johnny Vampire, twin Nosferatu-level vampire brothers (they are twins in that they were both bitten by the same vampire at the same time, and also in that they were born identical twins). Severvein recognises Frank and Sadie as the two that killed their maker, Carlysle Ravencastle, Dark Husband to the Midnight.
Ravencastle's final thrall over Severvein and Johnny was to thrall them into competing for the title of King of the Vampires, even though neither of them really want to. Since Donna has been overseeing things as interim-king, she must preside over the duel (which will take place in her backyard, where she can keep an eye on them). Severvein is keen to start the duel, but Johnny is less enthusiastic.
Frank suggests that Donna also take part in the duel (which would, of course, then be referred to as a 'truel'), as she is already a capable leader of the vampire community. Although Donna is certain she could beat the in a physical fight (in four bites), vampire duels are done by proxy. Vampires engaged in a duel summon a proxy who fights to the death for them.
Severvein attempts to summon his proxy. Instead, a lamp appears. The Doyles realise that it's the lamp in which they trapped the Old One, which Donna tells them keeps materialising all over the house in precarious positions no matter how many times she puts it back in the attic, as the Old One is trying to free himself by putting his lamp in positions where it could easily smash.
The doorbell rings, but instead of Johnny's proxy it is a group of Gypsies, who want to take Michelle as part of their apocalypse prophecy. Donna refuses, and uses her thrall to force them to leave.
Severvein says that if Donna is to be part of their duel/truel, she must also summon a proxy. Donna doesn't have one on hand, so Sadie volunteers. Donna and Frank protest as this is dangerous - the vampire and proxy who lose the duel/truel will both die. As that will only happen if she loses, Sadie is unconcerned.
Frank insists they change the parameters of the truel to something non-lethal and, as Johnny also agrees, the motion is carried (two against one).
The doorbell rings again. Johnny thinks it's his proxy's arrival, but instead it's some Evangelical Satanists who are looking for Michelle, as she is part of their apocalypse prophecy. Donna refuses, and she, Severvein, and Johnny drink the Satanists. While the vampires are drinking, Sadie reminisces fondly about her and Donna's more carefree days before either of them were married (and also, in Donna's case, before she was a vampire), when they would get into "such wonderful trouble together". Frank doesn't feel the same way about his own pre-Sadie days, but doesn't begrudge Sadie for doing so.
The doorbell rings again, and this time it is Johnny's proxy, a succubus named Cistala. She and Severvein clearly know each other and share romantic feelings for each other (however, they keep these feelings a "secret" for the others as love between vampires and succubi are forbidden by vampire law, which only the King of the Vampires has the power to change). Cistala inadvertently uses her powers on Frank and then Sadie, before turning her powers off for the purposes of the truel.
The doorbell rings, but instead of Severvien's proxy it is three invisible men, who have come to see Michelle and give her gifts of invisible gold, invisible frankincense, and invisible myrrh. They are unsure if Michelle is already in the room, as everything is also invisible to them (light can't be refracted by their invisible eyes, so they are blind). They ask Donna if they can take Michelle for their prophecies, and Donna refuses. They leave (or at least, they pretend to).
The doorbell rings, and this time it is Severvein's proxy, a changeling named Phil. Phil displays his powers by turning into Sadie (to Frank and Sadie's delight), and explains the nature of changelings - they can never know love, because they don't have a true form to love.
Severvein says he wants to talk to Cistala in private, and Cistala goes to wait for him in the kitchen while he speaks with his brother. Johnny reveals he knows Cistala and Severvein are in love, as she once mistook him for Severvein and revealed her love. He plans to use this against Severvein to win the truel.
Meanwhile, Phil uses his changeling powers to speak to Cistala using Severvein's form. She declares that she will throw the contest, even though it will mean her death, because of her love for him. Because of her dedication to love, Phil falls in love with her, and decides that he will kill Severvein and use his changeling powers to take Severvein's place in the truel and in Cistala's heart.
The invisible men overhear this and are dismayed (although unfortunately, because they are blind, they are unsure about who was speaking).
Phil confuses Severvein and Johnny, and asks Johnny to speak to him in private, planning to kill him. The invisible men interrupt to stop him, almost knocking over the lamp with their wild gesticulating. Frank tells them to be careful of it, explaining that the Old One contained inside is trying to break out. The invisible men wonder why the Old One doesn't just break the lamp if he can move it.
This had not previously occurred to the Old One, and it immediately breaks the lamp. The Old One threatens them all with destruction and death. Believing that they are about to die and wanting to unburden themselves, Cistala and Severvein reveal their love (no one is surprised). Phil also reveals his love for Cistala and how he had planned to remain in one form for the rest of his life to be with her, which Cistala finds romantic. After checking that their love wouldn't be forbidden ("definitely nope"), and the two embrace their love.
Johnny insists that this was his plan all along, but faced with the skepticism of everyone he admits that his plan was just to not die or become king.
The Old One insists that everyone will die. Frank and Sadie call down Michelle, and introduce her to everyone including the three invisible men who want to take her because she has "great power". Michelle excitedly demonstrates her powers, using them to destroy the Old One. Michelle stops short of bringing about the End of Time, because if she does that she won't get dessert.
Since Michelle won't be bring about the apocalypse, the invisible men leave.
Severvein tries to continue on with their truel, but Michelle breaks the thrall that Ravencastle had put over Johnny and Severvein. Free from the thrall, the brothers no longer want to compete for the title of King of the Vampires.
Cistala breaks up with Severvein and leaves with Phil. Johnny and Severvein also leave.
Donna remains the interim-king. Sadie is disappointed that she didn't get to recapture some of the wildness of her youth by taking part in the truel, but Donna insists that their good times are even better now that they have Frank, Dave, and Michelle in their lives, and Sadie agrees.
- This episode was released twice on the podcast feed with different casts and some revisions to the script.
- The recording released first in June 2014 was performed at Town Hall in New York and released in June 2014 (TAH #172).
- The second version, called Variant A (TAH #179), was performed at Largo a week earlier but was not released on the podcast feed until September 2014.
- Variant A did not include the Satanic Evangelist characters.
Old One: What's happening to me?
Frank: She is an apocalypse baby.
Michelle: I'M NOT A BABY!
Sadie: Of course you're not. You're an apocalypse young lady!
Donna: Pipe down, tentacle-face!
Old One: Who dares to presume to command me and nickname me!
Frank: Michelle, those are three of the dumbest wise men I've never seen.
Frank: Oh! I don't know if I know any scary stories.
Sadie: FRANK. This bottle is empty!
Frank: OH I'LL NEVER SLEEP TONIGHT!
Sadie: Do you miss the time before we were a pair?
Frank: Not in quite the same way. Nor at all.
Sadie: Are you chivalrously offering yourself up in my stead because you think there's a chance I may lose?
Frank: [pause] Of course not, carry on dear.
Johnny Vampire: Vampire names being what they are, the only limit is your imagination.
Frank: And you don't have to tell us who you are!
Johnny Vampire: Oh, you've heard of me?
- Clink count
- Original Variant: 8
- Variant A: 5
- The title of the episode is a take on the 1994 movie The Hudsucker Proxy.
- This is the 172nd episode of The Thrilling Adventure Hour.
- The previous episode is Down in Moonshine Holler - A Hamlet.
- The next episode is Sparks Nevada, Marshal on Mars - Better Red Than Dead, with the ad A Word From WorkJuice Coffee - Bucatino Business (TAH #172.1) in between.
- The previous episode in Beyond Belief canon is Prelude to a Fish (TAH #167).
- The next episode in Beyond Belief canon is Jones On Third (TAH #178).
- Variant A is the 179th episode of The Thrilling Adventure Hour.
- The previous episode is Beyond Belief - Jones On Third, with the ad A Word From WorkJuice Coffee - Bucatino Business #2 (TAH #178.1) in between.
- The next episode is the panel episode Fan Q&A from San Diego Comic Con.
- The previous and next episodes in Beyond Belief canon are the same as for the original variant above.
The original Variant episode was recorded at Town Hall on May 10, 2014 and released on June 30, 2014.
Variant A was recorded at Largo on May 3rd, 2014 and released on September 1st, 2014.
- Writers: Ben Acker and Ben Blacker
- Director: Aaron Ginsburg
- Music: Andy Paley Orchestra
- Sound Effects: Cayenne Chris Conroy
- Producers: Acker, Blacker, and Type 55 Films.