- Sparks Nevada - Marc Evan Jackson
- Croach the Tracker - Mark Gagliardi
- Felton - Craig Cackowski
- NiceMan Dan - James Urbaniak
- Steve Carlsberg - Hal Lublin
- The Marshal Station Doors - Annie Savage
- Colonel Tick-Tock - Craig Cackowski
- S'tonge of the Galaxium - Wil Wheaton
- Claxon - Jason Ritter
- Samuel Bolt - Michael McMillian
- Pemily Stallwark - Molly Quinn
- Cecil Palmer - Cecil Baldwin
- Dana Cardinal - Jasika Nicole
- Carlos the Scientist - Dylan Marron
- Deb - Meg Bashwiner
- Dolores County - Janet Varney
- Ad-Man 1 - Paul Sabourin
- Ad-Man 2 - Storm DiCostanzo
S'tonge of the Galaxium speaks to the audience, explaining that he's an omniscient being, powered cosmically by The Force Galactic. The beings of the Galaxium have transcribed the events of the universe in their cosmic book using the Pen Cosmic. He will describe to the audience an event that caused him great sadness and bliss, known as The Great Thrilling Adventure / Welcome to Night Vale Crossover. The Crossover is sponsored by Patriot Brand Cigarettes, WorkJuice Coffee and by your longing for universal parity, underwritten by an attempt to make sense of a senseless and random universe.
The Sparks Nevada theme is then sung, with the speech usually made by Folksy Hal performed by S'tonge.
In The Marshal Station, Croach the Tracker is packing to leave, as having prepared and served coffee to Sparks Nevada, he has fulfilled his onus. He notes he's saved Sparks' life as many times as Sparks has saved his own, and they have reached a state of onal equilibrium. Croach asks Sparks not to create an emotional scene at his parting, and then is disappointed when Sparks does not. Just as Croach is about to leave, the marshal station doors open and Felton enters, calling for halp. Sparks suggests that Croach stay to hear what Felton is hollering about.
After a lengthy digression, Felton reveals that while he was drinking in the Space Saloon when he overheard two robot outlaws and a human outlaw talking about gunning for Sparks. Just as Felton reveals this, NiceMan Dan enters with Claxon and Samuel Bolt. They draw on Sparks, after NiceMan Dan doesn't recognize Sparks right away due to having old glasses after shooting his ophthalmologist. Sparks and Croach both draw and point their guns at the robots, and Croach put Sparks under onus to him for the act.
NiceMan Dan says that after he and his son, Highwayman Dan left Sparks Nevada (at the end of Mortified on Mars), they were going to spend more time together. They spent some time first building shoes, Dan's profession, and then in the spirit of fairness, Highwayman Dan took his father robbing to share his interests. NiceMan Dan took better to robbing than Highwayman Dan did to shoe-making. Then Highwayman Dan met a woman, and NiceMan Dan felt like a third wheel. Dan quit robbing but didn't have the money to return to shoe making, so he joined up with Claxon and Samuel Bolt for one last score to get the money to go back to shoe making.
Dan says that as he's a stickler for planning plans, he needed to remove the marshal from the equation in order to rob the bank successfully, thus their presence at the marshal station.
Croach places Sparks under more onus for keeping the robots from shooting him. Felton, meanwhile, hides under the desk. Bolt then aims his guns at Croach. Just as the Venusian standoff begins in earnest, Sparks wonders why Dan doesn't get a loan from the bank, but Dan says that with his record now as an outlaw, he can't get a loan. Sparks offers to help Dan, but Dan refuses to back out of his commitment with Bolt and Claxon. Just as the shooting is about to being, a transmission comes in from the Moon.
Pemily Stallwark's transmission is received, and she recognizes Claxon in the room, saying she's already run him off the moon and is mad he left to go bother Sparks. NiceMan Dan tells Sparks to take the transmission and they'll hold off on the standoff. Pemily says that the moon is starting to disappear, and Croach confirms this is happening. Pemily says her cyborg deputy, Dolores County, says the source of the danger is "thousands" of years ago in the past. Deputy County rigged a mechanism to send someone to the past to fix the issue.
Sparks shoots off Bolt and Claxon's hands and guns off to end the standoff, which causes NiceMan Dan to lower and lower and drop his gun. Sparks says he can now go to the past, but as Pemily has Dolores activate the time travel mechanism, Croach points out that by disarming Bolt, Sparks has saved his life, and now Croach is under onus to Sparks. Croach pushes Sparks out of the way and travels back in time himself, yelling "ONUS!" as he goes.
Cecil Palmer begins his daily Night Vale Community Radio show by proclaiming "Today you will meet a beautiful stranger. Actually, hundreds of beautiful strangers. Everyone is beautiful and you know almost none of them. Welcome to Night Vale!"
Cecil states he has great news. Today is the first annual "Destroy the Moon!" festival, sponsored by The Civic Committee for Public Holidays and Private Silent Weeping for No Reason You Can Name. All citizens are encouraged to gather in Mission Grove Park to attempt to destroy the moon via throwing things at it. Cecil notes that the civic committee just popped up last Wednesday and is anonymously managed.
Cecil reports that there is a strange being in town, who arrived quite suddenly. The stranger is interfering with the Destroy the Moon festival by asking questions like "Why do you attempt to destroy the satellite designated 'The Moon'?" The being is tall, with blue skin, bulging black eyes and common, human-like antennae.
Cecil then gives a traffic report about a scaly dog, gasping for air, filled with something worse than life, and asks his listeners to picture it. He then advises avoiding unarmed travel on Route 800 between exits 10 and 13 today.
Next, a word from our sponsors, Patriot Brand Cigarettes, brought to you by popular celebrity spokesbeing, Deb, a sentient patch of haze. Deb reminds the listeners that cigarettes will bring, cancer, pain, and sadness, and doesn't have a counterpoint to that, but says to buy Patriot Brand Cigarettes anyway, because what's the worst that could happen?
Cecil says the Destroy the Moon Festival is hitting a few rough patches, as throwing things at the moon has been highly ineffective, though they've been trying for hours now. Nothing the citizens of Night Vale throw can make it as high as the moon, which is about sixty feet in the air, say reputable and cute scientists.
Dana Cardinal, current mayor of Night Vale arrives to the studio to report on what's been happening at the festival. Dana says that throwing things is just the first plan, and as it's not working they are moving to phase two - saying hurtful things to the moon. Cecil and Dana both hurl insults before Cecil encourages the audience to tell the moon they hate it.
Cecil then nearly takes the audience to The Weather, but is interrupted by Steve Carlsberg, Cecil's brother-in-law and least favorite person, coming into the studio. Steve says that he found out important things about the Destroy the Moon Festival. He says the moon is a real thing, not a universally shared dream 60 feet off the ground but is actually hundreds of thousands of miles away, in space. Steve says he found a heavily charred, but still legible book which he only read a small part of, which insists that the moon is totally real, you'd better believe it. Dana says the book looks like real science.
A projection of Carlos the Scientist, Cecil's boyfriend who is currently stuck in a desert in another world, arrives. Carlos says he thinks something dangerous and important is about to happen. Steve insists that the moon being real is in the book, but Cecil says anyone can read a book and that doesn't mean it's true.
Croach the Tracker then enters the studio, also insisting the book is correct. Croach is unable to pronounce Night Vale correctly. He asks the humans present to cease attempting to destroy the moon, as it would be devastating to the Earth. Croach notes that Carlos' teeth and hair are the finest teeth and hair he has ever encountered. Steve says that they should listen to Croach as he seems to know what he's doing, and asks where Croach is from. Croach responds "I... am from G'loot Praktaw", but no Night Vale citizen knows what it, or Mars is, either. Croach wishes to speak to the civic committee, and Dana says that two robots are ones who formed the committee. Croach realizes that there shouldn't be sentient robots in this time and place.
Claxon and Bolt arrive, and explain that they're both still back on Mars and here at the same time. They also came to Night Vale to destroy the moon as they don't like the moon, and want to cause chaos as they don't care about Earth. Having disrupted things enough, they return to Mars in their own present. Croach notes that now he can't communicate with Pemily Stallwark and can't peruse the robots. Dana explains that the city council decriminalized time travel months ago so Croach can borrow her temporal shift beam. Croach asks if Dana would like to come with him, so he won't be under onus to her, but she declines. Cecil, Carlos' projection and Steve, however, want to go.
Cecil sends the radio show to intermission and goes with Croach, Steve, and Carlos' projection to the future.
Act Three PrologueEdit
Cecil once again attempts to take the show to the weather, but is interrupted by Steve Carlsberg, who insists he has a weather report. Steve butts in and gives his own weather report, the Captain Laserbeam theme song.
There is then a word from a new sponsor - WorkJuice Coffee. Cecil says that the ad that was sent to the station was bizarre and gross, it talked about things like what the product did and how to buy it, so he re-wrote the ad himself. It is disturbing, but buy WorkJuice coffee -- because we will all of us die together in one glorious moment.
S'tonge returns, reminding us that it's his blessing and curse to watch the universe, even the boring stuff, but not to interfere, and it is lonely. He reminds the audience of where we last left off.
Croach returns to the Marshal Station at the same moment he left. He explains that he returned with the temporal shift beam, and brought along two humans. Cecil and Steve arrive shortly, with Carlos' projection. Like Croach, Sparks also can't pronounce Night Vale correctly.
Sparks introduces himself, and says he's from Earth. Steve introduces himself as being from Earth as well, and nearly starts a fight with Felton, who already doesn't like Steve. Carlos also introduces himself, and Sparks attempts to ask if Carlos is a mad scientist. Carlos doesn't understand the question, and responds he just studies science. Cecil introduces himself, and none of the Night Vale citizens know or understand what Mars is.
The Night Vale citizens and Mars Citizens worry about getting past or future germs from each other, which causes Croach to agree that he has no affection for Steve Carlsberg, either.
Pemily reminds everyone that the moon is still disappearing, and Carlos points out that this is the robot's fault. Pemily insists on going to Mars with Dolores County, her cyborg sidekick, and everyone introduces themselves to Dolores when they arrive via teleport. Pemily says the Marshal Station is awfully crowded, so NiceMan Dan and Felton head over to the Space Saloon for a drink.
Everyone attempts to figure out how the Destroy the Moon Festival in Night Vale is causing the moon to disappear now. Claxon and Samuel Bolt they did anything, as they have not yet time traveled, or that anything they've done could have had any effect. It's suggested that they stole a Night Vale citizens temporal shift generator since nearly everyone has one.
Claxon then steals Cecil's fanny pack, and thus his temporal shift generator, and travels back in time with Bolt to the previous Wednesday in Night Vale to set up the Civic Committee, and arrives back to the Mars-present immediately. They then time shift again to set events into mtion to destroy the moon, and the moon marshal. They fix things so Pemily was no longer the winner of Punishment Soccer, and died by a lucky side tackle by Jeffica.
As Pemily disappears, Sparks places Bolt and Claxon under arrest. They then shift again and reappear. Bolt has his hands back now. They shift yet again, and this time they had made Cecil forget how to bowl, his favorite pastime.
Sparks tells Steve to give him his temporal shift generator, but Steve left his at home for safekeeping. Dolores then takes charge, and says that now without Pemily the moon plan getting him caught in Moonfaker, Chicky Sullivan won a really big star war, is now the emperor of the universe and nearly everyone has been turned into a cyborg, as well, except Sparks and Croach because Chicky likes them.
Bolt and Claxon threaten to shoot Dolores, but Dolores had already set her own cyborg internal time traveling parts to silent. She shifted back to upgrade her own intelligence and system ops. Carlos explains what happened, and Dolores approves of Carlos' explanation. Dolores also busts up Claxon and Bolt's time shifter, and restores Cecil's memories of bowling.
Pemily then reappears, speaking of darkness, and an endless stream of random numbers, suggesting that she is in fact Fey, a sentient computer from Night Vale.
Sparks suggests that they shut the robots down, but Dolores says that they're not responsible for the moon disappearing nor is the festival the citizens of Night Vale threw. If they destroy the robots, the moon will keep disappearing and it will make things worse. Dolores says she's causing the paradox by still having the upgrades she gave herself in order to undo what the robots did, but since the things are undone and she still has the upgrades, she and the moon are the fulcrums of a paradox. Carlos says that this is a completely scientific and logical explanation.
Felton and NiceMan Dan return, and Felton says an alarm went off in the Space Saloon and there's now a universe-wide domino effect. Now balance and order are cancelled -- the entire universe is being undone.
Sparks says that if this is the end, he's glad to be surrounded by everyone except the robots and Steve Carlsberg. Carlos tells Cecil not to have a final conversation, but instead to just remember all their other conversations. Croach says it's painful to die while still under onus to Sparks, but Sparks tells him that his onus is fulfilled if he agrees that serving together has been one adventure after another, and he's been and still is Sparks' best... his total best...
This causes Steve to tell Cecil he's his best friend, and hugs Cecil, to Cecil and Carlos' surprise. Sparks attempts again to tell Croach what he means to say, but Pemily interrupts to tell Dolores she's her best friend. Sparks tries again, but Croach says he possesses a single emotion for Sparks. Before Croach can finish, he is interrupted by S'tonge of the Galaxium appearing.
S'tonge says he can't stand to sit around and watch any longer, but he is a part of a cosmically powered race forbidden to interfere. Dolores says not to kill S'tonge, as he possesses The Force Galactic. She asks S'tonge to defy the law that keeps him from interfering. Sparks, Pemily, and Cecil also implore S'tonge to help.
S'tonge says he's moved by Sparks' bravery, Cecil's heart, Pemily's tenacity, Carlos' science, Steve's skepticism, NiceMan Dan's nice, Felton's healthy fear, one of the robot's funny orneriness and the other one is a really good drummer. Most of all by Dolores' beauty. Dolores is insulted that S'tonge thinks her best quality is her beauty.
S'tonge asks Dolores to become his cosmic bride. S'tonge says that if she declines he won't save the universe. Dolores asks if they could date a bit first, but S'tonge says they have to get married. Dolores declines, and S'tonge leaves, leaving the universe to disappear.
Cecil and Sparks both reason that if too much time travel caused the universe to disappear they could use time travel to fix it. They tell Dolores to go before all of this happened and stop it all from ever happening, then high-five. Steve notes that if that happens, none of the Night Vale people would ever have met the Mars people. Carlos insists this won't work, and un-projects himself from Mars, telling Cecil he loves him as he leaves.
Dolores realizes she might never come back, and resigns from being deputy. She and Pemily say they also love each other. Croach attempts to tell Sparks he loves him, but is cut off by Sparks. Sparks tells Cecil it was great to meet him, and Cecil says he has enjoyed being in a Western, and tells Sparks Howdy Adios.
Dolores begins her time travel shift, and suddenly, Felton is heading into the Marshal Station for the first time again, telling Sparks and Croach that Bolt, Claxon and Dan are on their way in.
This time, Dolores enters and shoots Claxon and Bolt before the standoff can begin. Dan says that he lured the robots there for the bounty on their heads this time. Sparks, who has never before met Dolores now, takes what Dolores says at face value, that she is there from the future to prevent a catastrophic future from happening. He promises Dan the bounty on Bolt and Claxon, and Dan leaves.
Dolores tells Sparks and Croach that Sparks was responsible for preventing the universe-ending destructive future, and Croach places himself under great onus to Sparks for his actions in saving the universe. Dolores realizes that there's another Dolores on the moon so she doesn't have a job, so instead she follows NiceMan Dan to become a shoemaker.
S'tonge returns to the stage, wondering if this is the end of Sparks Nevada. He is inturrupted by Colonel Tick-Tock appearing with Cecil and Dana. Tick-Tock says that the timeline has been driven dangerously weird and the four of them have to repair it. Cecil says it's not S'tonge causing the problem, but his kids -- he's not supposed to have any. Tick-Tock says S'tonge must end up alone and bitter. The four head out in a Delorean to fix the timeline.
- The episode begins with an announcement by Joseph Fink: Everything that follows is not canon, except for the parts that are. The canonicity of much of the episode is up for debate.
- This episode cannot be found on the podcast feed and must be purchased on BandCamp or iTunes.
- Annie Savage was present only as a recording of the Marshal Station Doors. She did not perform live at this iteration of the episode.
- For more information on Welcome to Night Vale, please visit The Welcome to Night Vale Wiki
- After Bolt and Claxon get into a technotheological conversation, Sparks tells them he's going to send them to meet their maker. Bolt replies "Jeremy?", referring to Jeremy Wynant, son of Colton Wynant.
- Pemily reports Dolores County says the source of the danger, Night Vale, is "thousands" of years ago in the past. Although it's typically assumed that Night Vale takes place in approximately modern times, and Sparks Nevada takes place approximately 1000 years from now, in the WTNV episodes The Phone Call and One Year Later, Carlos says that time moves differently in Night Vale, so this statement is not necessarily inaccurate.
- Molly Quinn played the temporarily-sentient computer Fey in the WTNV episode Numbers Station. It is suggested when Pemily returns from time being altered and Pemily dying in Punishment Soccer, that in her time being dead she was in fact Fey.
- The epilogue is a reference to Back to the Future and the theme that plays during it is a mashup of both the Back to the Future and Doctor Who themes.
- The episode concludes with Cecil Baldwin and Mark Gagliardi reading the credits, and the entire cast singing the WorkJuice Anthem.
- Unofficial transcript by Cecilspeaks
ECCC 2014 ChangesEdit
This episode was also performed at Emerald City Comic Con in on March 29, 2014 at the Moore theater. The plot was the same, but the released SDCC script was polished in various ways. There were several character and cast changes, as well.
- Diane Creighton appeared, instead of Dana Cardinal. However, the two characters played the same role in the plot. Diane did not appear in the ending segment with Colonel Tick-Tock.
- Carlos the Scientist was mentioned, but did not appear.
- Diane Creighton - Annie Savage
- NiceMan Dan - Jim Beaver
- S'tonge - John Roderick
- Claxon - John DiMaggio
- Samuel Bolt - Alan Tudyk
- Dolores County - Annie Savage
- Ad-Man 1 - Joseph Fink
- Ad-Man 2 - Jeffrey Cranor
- This is an unnumbered crossover episode of The Thrilling Adventure Hour
- The previous episode is Beyond Belief - Werewolf of Wall Street (TAH #183).
- The next episode is Sparks Nevada, Marshal on Mars - The Once and Future Thing (TAH #184).
- In Sparks Nevada, Marshal on Mars continuity, this episode took place after Moonfaker (TAH #152), as Pemily Stallwark is marshal of the Earth's moon.
- It probably took place before Sheriff on Mars (TAH #162), as Felton complains about being lonely and single in the episode.
- In this wiki's unofficial suggested Sparks Nevada Marshal on Mars listening order, we placed the episode between Moonfaker and La Venganza de Los Bandititos (TAH #157)
This episode was recorded at SDCC on July 26, 2014 and released on October 1st, 2014.